Chameleon

      Transparent-capable of transmitting light so that objects or images can be seen as if there were no intervening material. This is the common definition of transparent found in your household dictionary. The goal of this blog is to be transparent to God through being open and honest, even though He knows everything, its my way of hiding nothing from him. By being transparent to God my hope is that I can be transparent to those around me about who I am and what I stand for. But unfortunately that has been harder than I expected. I've been what I like to call a chameleon, blending into whatever environment I'm in.

      A few weeks ago I was at a game night with a big group of friends, including a small group of guys that I'm planning on asking to be in a small group. Well in the midst of the fun and fellowship, the topic of alcohol got brought up and stories were shared; well I began to share some stories about getting drunk, but the thing was I was telling them more as bragging rather than something I'm not proud of. The truth is I'm not proud of those nights that I can honestly count on one hand, but there I was boasting about them. Here was a moment that I could of used to be transparent but instead I was caught up in the moment of story telling and was very opaque (impenetrable to light). I look back at this instance with disappointment, I mean its one thing to mess up and realize it but its a whole different story when you mess up and boast about it to others.

      Recently I started working at Lowes in the Lawn and Garden Department, something that I really enjoy. There is a wide variety of people who I work with, many of which aren't Christian, which would be an opportunity for me to be transparent to. There are a couple of guys that I've become pretty close to, while working out in the loading area; two guys who tend to use pretty vulgar language and tell pretty fabricated stories as a way to take out frustration and to pass the time. Well I've found myself blending in with these guys, in a sense acting like them or "going into chameleon mode" to fit in. Well it really didn't dawn on me till I overheard one of the guys talking to one of our new employees about me. He referred to me as a party animal and that's when it hit me, was that how I was projecting myself? I mean I know its not true but my actions and stories spoke otherwise to these guys.

      Well I want to make it known that no longer will I just be transparent on paper and blog, but its time to start living transparently. This is something that makes me fairly uncomfortable but hey, so did starting a blog for others to read. Recently God place a verse in my life, Colossians 3:23 "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men." This really hit me like Norris roundhouse kick to the face. It's time for me to step up and stop acting like the Simon (Peter) who denied Christ three times and start acting like Peter (The Rock) and be the rock God has planned for me to be. In order to do this I need to stop seeking the approval of man and live for the glory of God in everything I do. So my daily prayer has been Colossians 3:23, in everything I do, do it to glorify God not to please man. As a simple reminder to me everyday I've been writing the verse on my wrist as accountability to myself, to live for God and not man.

Stepping Up

      If you were to ask me how long I've been a Christian, my answer would be I accepted Christ when I was eight years old after an Awanas Club meeting at Wheaton Evangelical Free Church; but the truth is I've been a poser for sixteen years. You could say that my life lately has been rather two-face in church on Sunday and in a bar on Saturday (Well those times are done). Really the truth is that I've just been going through the motions, using God as a crutch instead of letting God use me.

      The funny thing is that God has used me even if I was unwilling to step up and let him use me. A great example of this was the summer after my sophomore year of college. A couple of my good friends Sarah and Kamron convinced me to work at a summer camp called Deer Creek Adventure Camp in Medina, Texas. Well I agreed, not thinking much of it accept that I needed a summer job anyways. Well it was during my sophomore year that I declared to myself I didn't need God and had completely turned my back on him, well looks like the joke was on me because Deer Creek was a Christian camp located in the middle of nowhere surrounded by God's presence. To make a long story short, it was six weeks full of God speaking to me through my kids in my cabin and my fellow counselors working the camp. But the most humbling thing was that God used me to lead three kids to Christ that summer, yeah me, the guy who had turned his back on God.

      Well you think something would've clicked inside of me, but the truth is that I'm pretty stubborn (I think I learned that from my older sister haha). That summer I realized that I had a passion for working with youth, but I still hadn't come to realizing my passion for God. It has become clear to me now that God used my passion for youth to continue to help chip away at my hardened heart through experiencing him in every summer camp I worked at, through every kid that I mentored. He continued to use me as a vessel and a mentor even though I didn't see myself as up to the task.

      For two years now God has been calling me to lead a small group, and the truth is that this calling frightens me to the core. So I've continued to push it aside, because I don't see myself strong enough in walk with Christ to lead a group of young men in a small group setting, not to mention that I'm a rather Hot N' Cold Christian (Katy Perry pun intended). Well it wasn't till today that I finally realized that I am  capable to lead and I came to this conclusion through God using my best friend Austin. Today while Austin was reading and praying he felt God lead him to text me these words: "Ryan you're the best representative of what God is wanting you to do. Not in a few weeks or a few days, but right now! Ryan God called you to lead a small group, so lead. You're God's instrument for this situation." I will admit to you that I broke down completely (That is a man's way of saying he cried...okay I wept). I've been running from God's callings in my life for years because I didn't see myself as fit to be a ambassador for God, but God has made it clear to me that it's my time to step up!.

      It's funny that today happened to be the day that I also reached the chapter titled You are God's Ambassador in Craig Groeschel's new book Altar Ego. Is this a coincidence? Not a chance, God knows exactly what he is doing. Well in this chapter God spoke through Craig addressing one of the things that has been holding me back from stepping up for years now, the fact that I'm not strong in my faith. How am I supposed to lead others, when my past is filled with things I'm not proud of and the fact that I'm weak in my faith. Well the answer I found in 2 Corinthians 5:17, "Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" With God in my life I don't have to worry about who I was, its time to realize who I am, an ambassador for Christ! (See John 15:16-19) Even though it is still hard to grasp that God can use me, I need to look no farther than Paul. Paul killed Christians for many years before God called him to lead people to Christ. Now I'm not saying that I'm going to make a Paul like impact, but I'm confident that God will use me in the way he is intending. God has given me given me everything I need to do everything he wants me to do.

      I'm going to end with this as my prayer: "I have been crucified with Christ; my old life is gone. Nevertheless, I live. But it's no longer I who live, you see, it's Christ living through me.

Letting Go

    In my previous blog post I talked a lot about how God has and is helping me overcome my past. One part of my past that continues to pain me is my lack of a father. When I say lack I mean, the guy didn't exist. I'm the result of a few to many drinks at the bar, I know that is a harsh way of stating it, but the truth is the truth can be harsh sometimes.

    Now the only good thing this guy did for me is bring me into the world; besides that he is a ghost, a name that i have cursed for years and clenched my fists at. The truth is I have carried an incredible hate for him for years, so much so that I have even thought about looking him up online and showing up and decking him in the face and leaving. Honestly though that would do know good, wouldn't get rid of this deeply rooted hate that has dug deep inside my heart inhibiting me from becoming the man God wants me to become. You're probably asking yourself how can I hate someone I don't even know? Well here is how, he took advantage of my mom, left me with a rare genetic disease, and ruined any chance of having the picture perfect family (which has been a blessing: discussed later). Well this is where God steps in.

    God has been teaching me to let go of this hate, because this very hate has been holding me back from his plan for my life. All these years that I've been holding onto this hate, its been causing me to bask in insecurity and overlook the love around me. Well I can tell you those days are over, no longer will I overlook the love that surrounds me, yeah I don't have a traditional family on paper but that wouldn't work for me anyways. Those of you who know me, know that I'm a goofy guy who is pretty nontraditional and has the knack for the unexpected. I sit here writing this truly free, God has uprooted the hate and tore it from my heart and cast it into a flame. It is pretty funny that I randomly came across Colossians 3:5 the other day (pretty sure God just chuckled as I wrote this....random? yeah right) it states, "Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry." What really hit me hard in that verse was the three words put to death. Now its not to often that you find comfort in those words but I'm going to say I do, because with God I'm putting to death this hate I've been carrying for years and replacing it with love. No longer am I going to overlook the love I'm surrounded with and the fact that God blessed me with a father now who is my role model and someone who I look and love dearly. It's time for me to become who God wants me to become!

    I'm going to end with a quick analogy for what is happening in my life on a daily basis now. At a camp I worked at the summer of my sophomore year of college, there was an obstacle called the Leap of Faith. This consisted of a twenty-five foot telephone pole with rungs to climb, at the top was a small platform to stand on, with a bar about five or so feet out suspended in air. Well what you do is you climb to the top and stand on the platform, which shakes in the wind (kind of a knee knocker) and you leap forward and try to grab the bar. Well I say this because this is what God is doing in my life now, calling me to leave my place of comfort and step to the edge and.....Leap! A leap out into the unknown, but I tell you one thing I do know is that God is there to catch me if I fall and with that assurance I move forward without second thought.

   
   

Overcomer in Christ

Many of you who read might not know this, but I'm adopted. The funny thing is that if you've ever seen pictures of my family, you would never know this; but its the truth and is probably the biggest blessing in my life. The truth is though, this wasn't always my mindset. My early childhood up till third grade could be summed up in one word unstable. From birth till about age six I bounced around between living with my mother and my grandma to living with my aunt and uncle house. Now don't get me wrong, everyone of these people involved in my early life loved me dearly and I loved them more than anything else in this world. But bouncing back and forth from home to home made me feel like a pinball, I would start the school year in one school and end in another.  As a early elementary student I couldn't comprehend what was going on, I just viewed the switches to live with my cousins as extended visits. But the truth was my home life was unstable.

    Well the root behind the instability was the fact that my mom struggled with alcohol and has schizophrenia. My memories of my years up to being six are fragmented, there are times I feel like Jason Bourne when I try to remember things in the past, there is so much haze. I can tell you one memory that changed my life forever. I was six years old and my mom had a BAD day as my grandma used to call them, we'll it turns out she didn't have her meds that day on top of being drunk; the result was the scariest moment of my life. My mom came home in a rage over I don't know what, but I remember sitting in my room playing with transformers when  a small nightstand came flying into my rooms smashing into my wall followed by many expletives. I stood up and ran for what I believed to be my life running as fast as my little six year old legs could take me into my grandmas room where I locked the door behind me. What happened next is something that still pains me today, but I picked up the phone and dialed 911 on my mother. This is the day that changed my life forever.

    Now I want you to know that my mom loved me dearly and still does and she wasn't abusive and would've never laud a finger on me; but that day she was cuffed and taken in. It was then that she made one of the most courageous acts of love I have ever witnessed; she gave up her rights as a parent because she realized she couldn't take care of me, as a six year old this was something I couldn't grasp but it is so clear now. I was put into foster care program and was blessed to only make one stop before I ended up the biggest god sends in my life, my parents now. The first day I ever meant my mom and dad was at counseling, they came to meet me and I remember I was drawing a picture of two people. These figures were "past man" and "future man", my dad asked who they were and I told him who they were, and that future man was my favorite. There it was, as a six year old I was ready for something new, something better and man is God so faithful.

    I write all this to paint a picture of how I became someone who was and still is at times immensely insecure. When my parents finally gained custody of me, I was an eight year old who couldn't even look adults in the eye and still struggled with wetting the bed. It is this very sense of insecurity that has crippled me for years and honestly is still struggle I deal with on a daily basis. Satan has used my sense of insecurity to hold me captive for all these years, but NOT ANYMORE! It has been through my reading of Craig Groeschel's new book Altar Ego, that I have fully realized what my problem was. All these years I have been searching for the approval of others. Whether this approval was sports, school, relationships, etc. if I got approval from these things I would feel good about myself, but on the opposite end if there wasn't the approval I would shut down.

    In chapter three of Altar Ego, Craig is talking about being an overcomer. His main focus is that we can all overcome our biggest challenges or enemies, but this is through Christ who loved us. One of the biggest things that notice myself doing is always asking why things happen to me, I throw pity parties for myself and play the victim. The truth is that God never promised that life would be easy, but he has promised to be with us every step of the way. He has overcome this world and death itself (John 16:33) so there is not a doubt in my mind that he can't overcome my insecurities. Psalm 18:29 "In God's strength I can crush any army; with God I can s cable any wall." I knowing not up against a physical army but nonetheless these words are so comforting.

    Today I'm going to end by saying that God is going to help ,e crush my crippling sense of insecurity and has helped me realize how much I am loved and especially how much He loves me. This day forward I want to live by this verse: Galatians 1:10 "Obviously, I'm nit trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be God's servant."

I'm a masterpiece?

This is something I've grown up hearing time and time again. It might not have been exactly those words, but I constantly had friends and family pointing out positives and success's, while I could only dwell on negatives and failures. The truth is I viewed myself as myself as someone who wasn't good enough. Good enough for what you might ask. It didn't matter the circumstance, I found flaws that caused doubt and insecurities. Could I be in honors classes throughout school? No way, not smart enough. Should I ask that awesome girl out? Not a chance, she is way out of my league. Can I make the varsity basketball team this year? I'm not skilled enough to succeed. It got to the point where insecurity controlled my life causing me to turtle and hide in things that where comfortable (shell) and not take risks, for fear of failure. The worst part was I got the mindset that I wasn't good enough for God. I literally thought that I couldn't have a relationship with him until I fixed myself. It was my sophomore year when thankfully my mom snapped me out of this mindset when she lovingly confronted me about not being at church, she basically said that God accepts me for who I am, and will help me get through my struggles, what a relief!
Over the past couple years, I've grown significantly less insecure and more confident, that being said though even in great times of strength we still regress. Over the past year I've regressed some due to multiple failures and frustrations. These failures range from failing my certification test multiple times to failed relationships. Yes these things set me back, but God was there to scoop me up and help me get back on track stronger than before! I sit here writing this as a middle school teacher (well almost). If you told me five years from now that I would be a middle school teacher, I would of said you had fallen off your rocker. But God has been the every step of the way supplying me with the strength and confidence I need daily.
Two figures in history that I find similarities in are Moses and Abraham Lincoln, they both have impacted me because of similar struggles. Moses was called by God to free Israel from bondage, but even though he viewed himself as incapable, God used him anyways! Abraham Lincoln was a man who overcame multiple failures and doubts to become president and change society forever by abolishing slavery. Now I don't see myself freeing a nation from bondage or being imortalized in history books, but I do realize that God has put an amazing opportunity in front of me to educate and mentor future youths for years to come and because of this I'm soooooc pumped!! God took a timid insecure wreck and made me into a teacher, imagine what he can do in your life! The answer to the question at the beginning is a resounding yes. Yes I'm a masterpiece of God's who will continue to grow as God works through me. I will wrap up by quoting 2 Peter 1:3 "God's divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness."